3mo later and rambling

Today I woke after a really bad week, which ended yesterday with a phone call. Voice at the end telling me the project I was working on had been cancelled…WHAT?! No notice, even though we just had a meeting last week (14th). All of my work, and of course everyone I had enlisted to help in making sure this event was a huge success, thrown down the drain without a care. They notified me 2 days after their decision.

I thought it was a worthy cause, and if I had been able to complete the event successfully it could have provided a much-needed addition to my resume. As it is, they wasted my time on an event they never planned to happen (I find out now but had a gut feeling from the beginning).
I’m more than a little upset, mostly at myself for being so determined to make this event such a success that I ignored my gut feelings and over-looked past organizers reluctance to share information. THAT should have been my first clue things were not as they seemed.

They deserved at least a personal notification and thank-you so I spent yesterday e-mailing all sponsors, vendors, media and participants…all the while crying. Not crying over only that one lost opportunity, but on everything that is my life, every stupid mistake in the name of ‘helping’ people. While helping people is a good thing, when it hurts you or your family it becomes not good.
So, pulling up my big girl panties today, drying the tears and reflecting on things so I do not make that mistake again. There are so many other mistakes I still have to get to, you know? 🙂

My father reared me to always tell the truth; result? I expect honesty from people. I’ve learned the hard way the world is not full of people reared as I. Not that my upbringing was perfect, God knows the troubles there! But don’t we all expect that people are good at heart, they’ll to do us no harm? This is one lesson that for some reason I cannot learn thoroughly: some people aren’t good, but I (sometimes) have to learn the hard way. An ex used to always say when we were teens (and still does even now) “Buttons, you are too naive”. {sigh} What’s wrong with believing?

I think my grandma was a huge part of this mindset. She was a wonderful woman, never yelled, never cursed except for one time *I* ever heard: my grandpa and I were fussing over the tv and her “now shit Charles, let her watch cartoons” stunned us both! LOL we tiptoed around on best behaviour the rest of the day!
For some reason she could see the good in EVERYONE. She NEVER had a bad thing to say about anyone… backbiting and gossip just wasn’t done. I would see someone ‘everyone’ knew was bad but she would say “he provides for his family” or some other positive thing (this came in handy later when I married a sociopath who’s only redeeming quality was that he went to work each day). Even in the most rotten of people she could find SOMETHING about them to praise.

She was a beautiful woman and I miss her almost daily. I think of her often, she taught me so much: how to cook and bake, various needlearts (crochet, sewing, needlepoint) and many other useful things. So a piece of her lives in me through the things she taught.
Most especially she showed patience and taught me that I was lovable and taught me patience as well. For a broken child such as I this was a huge thing. She saved my life…. many times. The thought would go through my head to end it all, but knowing it would hurt my grandma kept me from doing anything stupid. Now it is my offspring who keeps me from laying down to die.

No one really knows all the things going on in my life… this friend might know this and another friend that, but no one person knows everything. Why burden them? Besides, I’m the one they come to for advice, a shoulder to cry on, for straight talk. I’m not a ‘yes man’ just because a person is my friend, if I feel they are wrong with their husband or friend etc, I tell them straight (in a gentle way) and explain my reasons why I feel they are wrong.
With my grandma gone and no one to whom I can open my heart with trust, sometimes the world feels very hard and cold for this soft heart.

So here I am, spilling out my words online. Hope this isn’t a mistake as well. 🙂 If it is I blame Waqas LOL! He was the good (bad?) influence who nudged me back to my blog even before I got the bad (good?) news yesterday. Thank you Waqas 🙂


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